My daddy always tells me, "I hope you have a GOD day sweetheart." At first I wondered, a God day? What can he mean by that. That is usually about the time that I get smacked in the face with one of God's ways of telling me. I am here Rebecca, just look.
The first time he said this to me I walked outside into the most beautiful day. I passed a family playing catch in the park, and I passed a father leaning down to catch his running child in his arms with a huge hug.
This past week I had my GOD day. Really I think it was my biggest God day to date. It wasn't a normal circumstance, no. However, in the span of just a few hours I was shown just how real, honest, simple, humbling, awe inspiring, and heartbreaking the hands of God can be in a persons life.
This past week I traveled to Pennsylvania in support of a fellow Marine Corps S/O. To me, it just didn't seem right that she go through that without knowing she had people behind her that understood that part of her life so I along with three others traveled the distance to stand behind our "sister" while she welcomed home her love. It wasn't a homecoming any military wife, girlfriend, fiance, or family member dreams of, in fact it was our worst nightmares come to life.
On September 2nd, this American Hero fell in combat while in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. I don't know a single person surrounding the situation that didn't shed an abundance of tears for this young life that was ended too soon. He died a hero and was brought home in a manner befitting one.
While driving through the gorgeous hills and mountains of Pennsylvania I was gripped by this overwhelming sense of peace and calm. It was beautiful. Driving through this town on our way to the funeral home, I was again struck by just how beautiful this was. This amazing young man was loved and supported by all and therefore he was also mourned and celebrated by all. I didn't pass a street light or store front that wasn't decked out in yellow ribbons, American flags, or messages welcoming this fallen hero home. As we drove through the streets making our way closer to the funeral home, tears started to fall from my eyes. I had never seen something so heart wrenching before. As a Marine Wife yeah I have known more than one fallen hero but never like this.
As we entered the funeral home, we passed through the ranks of the Patriot Guard. They stood there so tall and so proud with their eyes focused straight ahead holding their flags in their hands. No one moved, and no one spoke. They just stood there blanketed in silence out of respect for the man inside who unknowingly touched so many lives.
Passing through the rooms of the home, we passed a multitude of people who had already congregated to pay their respects. Turning into the main room what I saw made my breath lodge in my throat and turned my stomach so violently that I had to walk straight back out before I broke down and cried. A few minutes later I gathered my self and walked back into the room. What I saw next would change my definition of love, grace, strength, support, and poise.
Standing beside the casket gazing lovingly down at her hero was the long time girlfriend of this fallen Marine. There weren't any words to describe the look of joy and pride in her eyes to finally have him home, even though it wasn't in the way she had prayed for when he left mere weeks ago. As I walked forward and wrapped my arms around her, I couldn't find the words to tell her how sorry I was. No matter how long or hard I tried to find them, they just weren't there. In the end all I could come up with was "I'm so sorry. We can't hurt for you even though we would give anything to do so, but we will stand behind you and hurt with you. We will hold you up if you find you don't have the strength to stand on your own."
Afterward, we took our places in the back of the parlor to sit silently until the time came and we were needed. Over the span of the next 8 and a half hours, we watched silently as person after person filed in and out of the room paying their respects to this man who had lain down his life for his country. It was apparent how loved and respected he was.
His brothers stood proud and tall by his side, their eyes shining with pride and love for him. They would adjust their ties and uniforms, straighten their ribbons, check their brother, and then resume their places by his side. It was impossible to miss, their pride, love, and hurt over their brother shown from every move they made. As I sat there taking in the room and looking as the lives he touched, I ended up being the one taught a lesson. A brother's love, much like a mother's, knows no bounds and it is something I will carry in my heart always. Through their grief and pain, they somehow found a way to think of us as we filed out for dinner. It was a pleasure and an honor to meet them both.
I sat in the back, watching as his girlfriend would turn ever so often and gaze down at him and smile. A secret smile that only they would know. It was breath taking. That these two amazing people loved each other was felt keenly by every person in the room. Every time she would look down at him and her back would turn on everyone else, my breath would catch at this beautiful girl who even though her heart was breaking smiled and stood tall beside her love. It was palpable and so so humbling to see. She stood there beside him for over eight hours that day with one hand on his casket never turning fully away from him once. Her hand would travel to his dog tag that hung around her neck ever so often.
No matter the circumstance that brought them to that place, they were truly happy that he was home. It was a collective sigh of relief. Through the intervening hours, I heard story after story after story about this man and the lives he inadvertently touched.
Most people live entire life times wondering if they ever made a difference, but the fact that this man not only touched lives, but left lasting fingerprints was a true mark of a hero.
So many things I saw that day will stay with me forever and I am glad. For me this Marine and his beautiful girlfriend symbolized the type of love and devotion that people spend their lives looking for. They worked so hard for each other and together and to even be in the presence of that for a single second was humbling and heart warming.
On September 10th, a full eight days since his life had been taken, this fallen Marine was laid to rest amidst the people that he loved and that loved him on a beautiful day. How very fitting. To know that his life was taken so soon breaks my heart. But to know how he lived and how big of a difference he made.. .Truly humbling.
For a few hours I stood on the outskirts of and in the presence of a great love and a hero who left lasting finger prints on this world.
If that isn't a GOD day I don't know what is. As a parting I leave you with the words to a song.
"I may not go down in history, I just want someone to remember me. I'll probably never dream a dream and watch it turn to gold. I know I'll never lose my life to save another soul. But if I will love then I will find that I have touched another life and that's something. Something worth leaving behind."
He left behind a legacy that will burn bright for years to come in the love he felt for his girlfriend and his family.
He made a difference, touched lives, saved lives, and left his mark on the world.
I only pray that one day I can say the same.
B
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Quiet Cries and No Words
There aren't any words to accurately describe the last days and I don't really want to try. It would be a shame.
For the past three days now, I have been awoken to the sound of quiet sobs. Not mine. His. Last night may have just been the worse in almost a year.
After 6 hours in the emergency room, we came home, showered, and fell into bed. I did my sleep drill thing and was just drifting off when the bed started to shake. I pulled out my ear plugs and looked over at Jon.
He was completely curled in on himself shaking with the force of his silent tears. Not thinking I reached over to smooth out his brow and try to wake up. Wrong thing to do. I should have known but in all the mess, I wasn't paying attention.
I reached over and as soon as my hand reached him his arm shot out, caught my wrist and his elbow flung into my diaphragm. Whoa! I know right. I disengaged myself and crawled out of bed to wait for it to reach the point I can reach him.
I sat in the floor beside our bed for over an hour while he tossed, turned, swatted, and cried in his sleep. All he would say is. . .
"I'm sorry, so sorry. I let you down."
I buried my face in my hands and cried. I hate seeing him so broken. For the next 45 minutes I watched as one of the strongest people I know struggled with the demons that torment him. Finally, just after 5, his crying stopped. He rolled over to reach for me and when I wasn't there he opened his eyes.
I swear, as of late it feels like all I can do is make things worse. Encouragement and support come out backwards, I stutter like a fool, and most everything I try to write looks like it was written by a crack dealer. I hate this.
I despise being so out of control of my life and there is nothing more I can do. My house is peppered with post it notes and index cards . all detailing the routines and things in my house. I hate being so helpless and useless because all my body can muster right now is an insane rash, high blood pressure, and kidney and liver issues.
Why am I so deficient? This isn't me. . I should be stronger and more solid. . for my husband, and my sons. If someone will just tell me what to do I will do it. I would do most anything for all of them and yet here I sit shaking like a chihuahua scared to death to close my eyes because he might wake up again and need me.
How do I stop failing?
For the past three days now, I have been awoken to the sound of quiet sobs. Not mine. His. Last night may have just been the worse in almost a year.
After 6 hours in the emergency room, we came home, showered, and fell into bed. I did my sleep drill thing and was just drifting off when the bed started to shake. I pulled out my ear plugs and looked over at Jon.
He was completely curled in on himself shaking with the force of his silent tears. Not thinking I reached over to smooth out his brow and try to wake up. Wrong thing to do. I should have known but in all the mess, I wasn't paying attention.
I reached over and as soon as my hand reached him his arm shot out, caught my wrist and his elbow flung into my diaphragm. Whoa! I know right. I disengaged myself and crawled out of bed to wait for it to reach the point I can reach him.
I sat in the floor beside our bed for over an hour while he tossed, turned, swatted, and cried in his sleep. All he would say is. . .
"I'm sorry, so sorry. I let you down."
I buried my face in my hands and cried. I hate seeing him so broken. For the next 45 minutes I watched as one of the strongest people I know struggled with the demons that torment him. Finally, just after 5, his crying stopped. He rolled over to reach for me and when I wasn't there he opened his eyes.
I swear, as of late it feels like all I can do is make things worse. Encouragement and support come out backwards, I stutter like a fool, and most everything I try to write looks like it was written by a crack dealer. I hate this.
I despise being so out of control of my life and there is nothing more I can do. My house is peppered with post it notes and index cards . all detailing the routines and things in my house. I hate being so helpless and useless because all my body can muster right now is an insane rash, high blood pressure, and kidney and liver issues.
Why am I so deficient? This isn't me. . I should be stronger and more solid. . for my husband, and my sons. If someone will just tell me what to do I will do it. I would do most anything for all of them and yet here I sit shaking like a chihuahua scared to death to close my eyes because he might wake up again and need me.
How do I stop failing?
Monday, September 6, 2010
It Brings Back Memories. . .Farther Along
For the past few days my husband has been walking around the house quietly, tossing and turning in his sleep, staring out windows, and keeping to himself. We have gone through a few hard days since we heard about the losses of our friends. I stopped him earlier and asked.
"What's wrong?"
He walked over to the wall that we have our "memorial" on and reached up and lay his hand on the top middle picture and smiled. He turned to look at me and said. .
"This brings back memories. It hurts." and then he walked away.
He is right. Watching our friend suffer the way she is and reading the articles. . It is a flashback. A flash back from 2005-2006 when he was serving in OIF 3..It amazes me how freakishly similar some of these things are too.
On August 21, 2005, after only a month in country, 2/2 G Co. Raiders suffered their first loss. Marine Corps 2nd Lt James J Cathey was killed by an improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations near Al Karmah, Iraq.
It sounds so clinical doesn't it. A simple, generic, general, message that the people over at the DoD cooks up to give families to explain that their loved ones simply are not coming back. It some ways it is a blessing and in others it leaves so many questions unanswered that it drives their families crazy. It doesn't tell you how loved he was as a leader, husband, son, friend or how devastating losing him was to those who were parts of his life.
2nd Lt Cathey was a 24 year old man who was looked up to and respected by those he led and always had a teasing comment. He left behind a wife who was then 5 months pregnant and a legacy in the form of a son just before Christmas that year. He was the type of leader you would follow anywhere.
Most of you will remember the picture that made the Times that year as picture of the year, if not let me show you.
They plastered this picture everywhere. I saw it on the news, on the internet, in the papers, and in books. What they told you was "Passengers aboard a commercial airliner watch from the windows as the casket of a fallen soldier was unloaded from the cargo hold of the plane."
That casket contained the remains of a fallen Marine whose pregnant wife was waiting a mere yards away trying valiantly to hold herself together while they brought her husband back to her in the only way they could. While curious onlookers gawked from their seats aboard the plane and inside the terminals, this woman's goodbye was on public display.
By the time their tour was over, the 2/2 Warlords lost 16 men. Seven of those men were from the G Co. Raiders and six of those alone were from a single platoon.
Thinking back on this breaks my heart every single time. I was only 17 when he was KIA and it was my first ever experience with military life. I remember him telling Jon "Damn Painter, why don't you just buy a bus ticket and go see her. .I don't want to have to surgically remove that phone from your ear.". . I was utterly heartbroken. I didn't know how to process any of it and as loss after loss hit this company I couldn't help but cry too. From day 1 my Marine Corps family embraced my fully and guided me every step of the way so when they hurt, I hurt too.
It has been 5 years since 2nd Lt Cathey was KIA and I still to this very day cry over it. I cry for every single man they lost and every family that it hurt.
-PFC Shayne Cabino, 19
-2nd Lt James J Cathey, 24
-Lcpl Nikolas D Schiavoni, 26
-Capt. Tyler Swisher, 35
-Cpl Benny Cockerham, 21
-Sgt Michael Hodshire, 25
-HM3 Christopher Thompson, 25
-LCpl Kenneth Butler, 19
-LCpl Steven Szwydek, 20
-LCpl Andrew Russoli, 21
-SSgt Richard Pummill, 27
-LCpl Jason Frye, 19
-Cpl Nicholas Cherava, 21
-LCpl Patrick Kenny, 20
-Lcpl Tyler Troyer, 21
-Sgt Sean Miles, 28
On the memorial poster I recieved, it says they are immortalized as Warlords. . but even more than that, they are immortalized as brothers in the hearts and souls of the fellow Marines they served with and the lives of the families that they touched. Five and six years later their losses are still felt keenly.
I never got to meet or know them but they were family in a way that only combat can bind them together. Through the midnight conversations Jon has had with them since their deaths, I have learned to love them too. I wish more than anything that they as well as their families could know just how much they touched his life. While heartbreaking to hear, I am glad he has them still. He is so afraid he will forget them, but I know he won't. They are just as much a part of him as his children or I am . . maybe even more so. We keep them here in our home because Jon says that if he can make sure of anything, it will be that our boys will know that those men left the world as heroes, paying the ultimate sacrifice so that even one of their brothers could go home.
Yesterday I woke up to find an article and a picture eerily similar to the one I saw so many years ago. In the picture I saw that LCpl Joshua Twigg, who was KIA in Afghanistan this past week, was being taken off of the plane that brought him home. Spaced out between the plane that carried him home are various personnel standing at attention saluting this fallen hero as he is taken to his final stop before traveling to his family before being laid to rest.
Seeing it made me sick at heart and sick to my soul for Chrissy, his family, and his friends who are being forced to say goodbye to him years too soon. Seeing this beautiful girl broken and hurting and bearing this burden hurts my heart. There is nothing we can do to lift this pain or bear it for her and I know most any of us would in a heart beat. She has been the epitome of grace, poise, strength, and unfailing love during this devastating blow.
As her friends and as "sisters" we can only imagine what her pain must feel like but we are doing our best to rally around her and hold her hand. Earlier this week the support forum we are a part of started taking up donations for her to make sure she is taken care of and has what she needs. .. .I have never been more proud to be a part of such an amazing group of people in my life. They are all so beautiful and compassionate.. .together they managed to raise over $1,000 in an effort to show our friend comfort and let her know we care. How amazing an awe inspiring is that?!
It really is true what they say. The Marine Corps takes care of their own and by their own we mean every wife, fiance, and girlfriend. I have never been more safe, protected, supported, or loved in my life. I haven't had to bear a single burden alone or face a single uncertainty.
This week marked another first for me. As I sat in the recliner earlier this week I cried as I watched the video's and read the article's detailing this Marine's sacrifice and watching the love of his life hold her head high and try her level best to smile through her heart break.
Caleb crawled into my lap and our conversation went as follows. . .
"You ok mommy?"
"Yeah honey bun mommy is just fine."
"Mommy sad. Mommy cry. Why?"
So I showed him the video and tried my best to find the words to explain to him that this young man gave his life for his country. I searched for the words as tears ran down my face. The best I could come up with was this.
"Mommy is sad because this man had to go away because he was protecting us."
Caleb spent several seconds looking from me to the computer screen, back to me, and to the picture of Chrissy and Josh. He pulled my head to his chest and started petting my face.
"Shhh mommy." he said. "It's ok. He aww-right. He an angel." then my three year old son got down and walked away.
I was floored. My son managed to find the words that eluded me since learning of his death. In that single sentence he found a salve for the hurt that I felt for my friend and the family of this fallen hero.
I have come across so many songs as of late that seem to just fit for this that just keep rolling around in my mind.
Farther Along - Brad Paisley
Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by
Seems kind of fitting doesn't it? It was also one of my Uncle Rick's favorite songs. Sitting here listening to it I can only think that I hope I never stop being affected by this, it would be a grave injustice to all of the men and women who laid down their lives for our freedom.
If You're Reading This - Tim McGraw
If you're reading this
My Mommas sittin there
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here
Sure wish I
Could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
I'm up here with God and we're both watching over you
So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed
That it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home
Heartbroken. This was the first song that came to mind after hearing about it. It is also one of the very few things in this world that makes my husband cry. The first time he heard it I watched with baited breath as his eyes clouded up. He hung his hand and reached his out as if resting it on something. I asked him once what that was. "I was back in Iraq. I was standing there in front of Lt Cathey's kevlar saying goodbye the only way I could. I could feel it underneath my hand.". . He downloaded it later that day and it is always with him.
Arlington - Trace Adkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB76cYS8Ehw
I remember daddy brought me here when I was eight,
We searched all day to find out where my granddad lay,
And when we finally found that cross,
He said, 'Son this is what it cost, to keep us free'.
Now here I am a thousand stones away from him,
He recognized me on the first day I came in,
And it gave me a chill, when he clicked his heels, and saluted me.
And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property,
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company,
And I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done,
I can rest in peace, I'm one of the chosen ones,
I made it to Arlington.
And every time I hear, twenty-one guns,
I know they brought another hero home, to us.
No words. I have been in love with this song since the first time I heard it years ago. Having lived only miles away from this sacred place for three years now I have gotten to experience it first hand. Nothing can prepare you for the magnitude of awe and humbling grace, and quiet honor that rolls over you in waves when you step inside the confines of that hallowed ground. You are standing among heroes, hundreds of years worth of heroes who gave their lives fighting to make this country what it is today.. If that doesn't bring you to your knees thanking God for creating such selfless people then you are made of stone.
Just A Dream - Carrie Underwood
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart
Bagpipes Cryin'- Rushlow Harris
Every day I'm giving all I can because I'm damn proud to be American
Yeah, I made some friends, and I've lost some too
When I think about what they gave for me and you
I hear bagpipes cryin' Amazing Grace,
tears rolling down a mother's face.
Old Glory draped like Heaven's mercy over the fallen sons.
I see all the heroes who are willing to fight
in the name of freedom layin' down their lives.
And prayin' God's grace would keep us safe from harm,
until they bring us boys back home
Someone asked me a while ago how I could believe in a God who let such awful things happen to good people. All I could do was smile. They ask me how I can. .I ask them how can I not?
I live a life that would cause most people heart failure but I also live a life that shows me the value of sacrifice. How can I live among men and women who are willing to lay down their lives to protect the freedom of people they have never even met and not believe in God?!
If anything I have even more proof that God exists because people like my husband and Chrissy's boyfriend go at a drop of a hat to protect this country and those of others. I see the hands of God in every aspect of my life and if you took the time to breathe in your surroundings you would too.
So I challenge you to do this. Look around you and think about how many men and women have died for your right to have the things you do.
That right to vote? People have died for you to get it.. . .That flag you see? People die for it every single day so that you have the symbol of freedom to be and do as you please. . . That family on T.V?. . Their son died protecting you and your freedom. . . That star in the window a few houses down? A loved one has died in the line of duty. .That is one more goodbye that will never be spoken and one more kiss that will never be given and one more I love you that will never be said. . .
The men and women of our armed forces willingly leave their homes, families, lives, and comforts to afford you the right to be who you are and live how you live. Some families have said goodbye years to soon so that you may go home every day and kiss yours.
Remember always the families and friends who stand behind their service members with unfailing strength and support because they sacrifice too. In one of my favorite songs ever, sung by John Conlee, he sings this.
"They also serve. Those who stand and wait praying by the phone to learn their loved ones fate. But they're still in the war and let there be no mistake, they also serve. ..those who stand and wait."
In closing I leave you with these quotes from Saving Private Ryan. . .In the closing scenes of the movie as Captain Miller is dying, he looks at Private Ryan and says this.
"James, earn this. . earn it."
The movie then ends with an older James Ryan standing in Normandy in front of Captain Miller's grave surrounded by his family. He looks down at the gravestone and says.
"My family is with me today. They wanted to come with me. To be honest with you, I wasn't sure how I'd feel coming back here. Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I tried to live my life the best that I could. I hope that was enough. I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me."
Then he clicks his heels and salutes the man whose final sacrifice made the rest of his life possible. .
I leave you with these words alone. .
EARN IT!
Until next time my loves
B
"What's wrong?"
He walked over to the wall that we have our "memorial" on and reached up and lay his hand on the top middle picture and smiled. He turned to look at me and said. .
"This brings back memories. It hurts." and then he walked away.
He is right. Watching our friend suffer the way she is and reading the articles. . It is a flashback. A flash back from 2005-2006 when he was serving in OIF 3..It amazes me how freakishly similar some of these things are too.
On August 21, 2005, after only a month in country, 2/2 G Co. Raiders suffered their first loss. Marine Corps 2nd Lt James J Cathey was killed by an improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations near Al Karmah, Iraq.
It sounds so clinical doesn't it. A simple, generic, general, message that the people over at the DoD cooks up to give families to explain that their loved ones simply are not coming back. It some ways it is a blessing and in others it leaves so many questions unanswered that it drives their families crazy. It doesn't tell you how loved he was as a leader, husband, son, friend or how devastating losing him was to those who were parts of his life.
2nd Lt Cathey was a 24 year old man who was looked up to and respected by those he led and always had a teasing comment. He left behind a wife who was then 5 months pregnant and a legacy in the form of a son just before Christmas that year. He was the type of leader you would follow anywhere.
Most of you will remember the picture that made the Times that year as picture of the year, if not let me show you.
They plastered this picture everywhere. I saw it on the news, on the internet, in the papers, and in books. What they told you was "Passengers aboard a commercial airliner watch from the windows as the casket of a fallen soldier was unloaded from the cargo hold of the plane."
That casket contained the remains of a fallen Marine whose pregnant wife was waiting a mere yards away trying valiantly to hold herself together while they brought her husband back to her in the only way they could. While curious onlookers gawked from their seats aboard the plane and inside the terminals, this woman's goodbye was on public display.
By the time their tour was over, the 2/2 Warlords lost 16 men. Seven of those men were from the G Co. Raiders and six of those alone were from a single platoon.
Thinking back on this breaks my heart every single time. I was only 17 when he was KIA and it was my first ever experience with military life. I remember him telling Jon "Damn Painter, why don't you just buy a bus ticket and go see her. .I don't want to have to surgically remove that phone from your ear.". . I was utterly heartbroken. I didn't know how to process any of it and as loss after loss hit this company I couldn't help but cry too. From day 1 my Marine Corps family embraced my fully and guided me every step of the way so when they hurt, I hurt too.
It has been 5 years since 2nd Lt Cathey was KIA and I still to this very day cry over it. I cry for every single man they lost and every family that it hurt.
-PFC Shayne Cabino, 19
-2nd Lt James J Cathey, 24
-Lcpl Nikolas D Schiavoni, 26
-Capt. Tyler Swisher, 35
-Cpl Benny Cockerham, 21
-Sgt Michael Hodshire, 25
-HM3 Christopher Thompson, 25
-LCpl Kenneth Butler, 19
-LCpl Steven Szwydek, 20
-LCpl Andrew Russoli, 21
-SSgt Richard Pummill, 27
-LCpl Jason Frye, 19
-Cpl Nicholas Cherava, 21
-LCpl Patrick Kenny, 20
-Lcpl Tyler Troyer, 21
-Sgt Sean Miles, 28
On the memorial poster I recieved, it says they are immortalized as Warlords. . but even more than that, they are immortalized as brothers in the hearts and souls of the fellow Marines they served with and the lives of the families that they touched. Five and six years later their losses are still felt keenly.
I never got to meet or know them but they were family in a way that only combat can bind them together. Through the midnight conversations Jon has had with them since their deaths, I have learned to love them too. I wish more than anything that they as well as their families could know just how much they touched his life. While heartbreaking to hear, I am glad he has them still. He is so afraid he will forget them, but I know he won't. They are just as much a part of him as his children or I am . . maybe even more so. We keep them here in our home because Jon says that if he can make sure of anything, it will be that our boys will know that those men left the world as heroes, paying the ultimate sacrifice so that even one of their brothers could go home.
Yesterday I woke up to find an article and a picture eerily similar to the one I saw so many years ago. In the picture I saw that LCpl Joshua Twigg, who was KIA in Afghanistan this past week, was being taken off of the plane that brought him home. Spaced out between the plane that carried him home are various personnel standing at attention saluting this fallen hero as he is taken to his final stop before traveling to his family before being laid to rest.
Seeing it made me sick at heart and sick to my soul for Chrissy, his family, and his friends who are being forced to say goodbye to him years too soon. Seeing this beautiful girl broken and hurting and bearing this burden hurts my heart. There is nothing we can do to lift this pain or bear it for her and I know most any of us would in a heart beat. She has been the epitome of grace, poise, strength, and unfailing love during this devastating blow.
As her friends and as "sisters" we can only imagine what her pain must feel like but we are doing our best to rally around her and hold her hand. Earlier this week the support forum we are a part of started taking up donations for her to make sure she is taken care of and has what she needs. .. .I have never been more proud to be a part of such an amazing group of people in my life. They are all so beautiful and compassionate.. .together they managed to raise over $1,000 in an effort to show our friend comfort and let her know we care. How amazing an awe inspiring is that?!
It really is true what they say. The Marine Corps takes care of their own and by their own we mean every wife, fiance, and girlfriend. I have never been more safe, protected, supported, or loved in my life. I haven't had to bear a single burden alone or face a single uncertainty.
This week marked another first for me. As I sat in the recliner earlier this week I cried as I watched the video's and read the article's detailing this Marine's sacrifice and watching the love of his life hold her head high and try her level best to smile through her heart break.
Caleb crawled into my lap and our conversation went as follows. . .
"You ok mommy?"
"Yeah honey bun mommy is just fine."
"Mommy sad. Mommy cry. Why?"
So I showed him the video and tried my best to find the words to explain to him that this young man gave his life for his country. I searched for the words as tears ran down my face. The best I could come up with was this.
"Mommy is sad because this man had to go away because he was protecting us."
Caleb spent several seconds looking from me to the computer screen, back to me, and to the picture of Chrissy and Josh. He pulled my head to his chest and started petting my face.
"Shhh mommy." he said. "It's ok. He aww-right. He an angel." then my three year old son got down and walked away.
I was floored. My son managed to find the words that eluded me since learning of his death. In that single sentence he found a salve for the hurt that I felt for my friend and the family of this fallen hero.
I have come across so many songs as of late that seem to just fit for this that just keep rolling around in my mind.
Farther Along - Brad Paisley
Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by
Seems kind of fitting doesn't it? It was also one of my Uncle Rick's favorite songs. Sitting here listening to it I can only think that I hope I never stop being affected by this, it would be a grave injustice to all of the men and women who laid down their lives for our freedom.
If You're Reading This - Tim McGraw
If you're reading this
My Mommas sittin there
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here
Sure wish I
Could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
I'm laying down my gun
I'm hanging up boots
I'm up here with God and we're both watching over you
So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed
That it would go
And if you're reading this
I'm already home
Heartbroken. This was the first song that came to mind after hearing about it. It is also one of the very few things in this world that makes my husband cry. The first time he heard it I watched with baited breath as his eyes clouded up. He hung his hand and reached his out as if resting it on something. I asked him once what that was. "I was back in Iraq. I was standing there in front of Lt Cathey's kevlar saying goodbye the only way I could. I could feel it underneath my hand.". . He downloaded it later that day and it is always with him.
Arlington - Trace Adkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB76cYS8Ehw
I remember daddy brought me here when I was eight,
We searched all day to find out where my granddad lay,
And when we finally found that cross,
He said, 'Son this is what it cost, to keep us free'.
Now here I am a thousand stones away from him,
He recognized me on the first day I came in,
And it gave me a chill, when he clicked his heels, and saluted me.
And I'm proud to be on this peaceful piece of property,
I'm on sacred ground and I'm in the best of company,
And I'm thankful for those thankful for the things I've done,
I can rest in peace, I'm one of the chosen ones,
I made it to Arlington.
And every time I hear, twenty-one guns,
I know they brought another hero home, to us.
No words. I have been in love with this song since the first time I heard it years ago. Having lived only miles away from this sacred place for three years now I have gotten to experience it first hand. Nothing can prepare you for the magnitude of awe and humbling grace, and quiet honor that rolls over you in waves when you step inside the confines of that hallowed ground. You are standing among heroes, hundreds of years worth of heroes who gave their lives fighting to make this country what it is today.. If that doesn't bring you to your knees thanking God for creating such selfless people then you are made of stone.
Just A Dream - Carrie Underwood
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart
Bagpipes Cryin'- Rushlow Harris
Every day I'm giving all I can because I'm damn proud to be American
Yeah, I made some friends, and I've lost some too
When I think about what they gave for me and you
I hear bagpipes cryin' Amazing Grace,
tears rolling down a mother's face.
Old Glory draped like Heaven's mercy over the fallen sons.
I see all the heroes who are willing to fight
in the name of freedom layin' down their lives.
And prayin' God's grace would keep us safe from harm,
until they bring us boys back home
Someone asked me a while ago how I could believe in a God who let such awful things happen to good people. All I could do was smile. They ask me how I can. .I ask them how can I not?
I live a life that would cause most people heart failure but I also live a life that shows me the value of sacrifice. How can I live among men and women who are willing to lay down their lives to protect the freedom of people they have never even met and not believe in God?!
If anything I have even more proof that God exists because people like my husband and Chrissy's boyfriend go at a drop of a hat to protect this country and those of others. I see the hands of God in every aspect of my life and if you took the time to breathe in your surroundings you would too.
So I challenge you to do this. Look around you and think about how many men and women have died for your right to have the things you do.
That right to vote? People have died for you to get it.. . .That flag you see? People die for it every single day so that you have the symbol of freedom to be and do as you please. . . That family on T.V?. . Their son died protecting you and your freedom. . . That star in the window a few houses down? A loved one has died in the line of duty. .That is one more goodbye that will never be spoken and one more kiss that will never be given and one more I love you that will never be said. . .
The men and women of our armed forces willingly leave their homes, families, lives, and comforts to afford you the right to be who you are and live how you live. Some families have said goodbye years to soon so that you may go home every day and kiss yours.
Remember always the families and friends who stand behind their service members with unfailing strength and support because they sacrifice too. In one of my favorite songs ever, sung by John Conlee, he sings this.
"They also serve. Those who stand and wait praying by the phone to learn their loved ones fate. But they're still in the war and let there be no mistake, they also serve. ..those who stand and wait."
In closing I leave you with these quotes from Saving Private Ryan. . .In the closing scenes of the movie as Captain Miller is dying, he looks at Private Ryan and says this.
"James, earn this. . earn it."
The movie then ends with an older James Ryan standing in Normandy in front of Captain Miller's grave surrounded by his family. He looks down at the gravestone and says.
"My family is with me today. They wanted to come with me. To be honest with you, I wasn't sure how I'd feel coming back here. Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I tried to live my life the best that I could. I hope that was enough. I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me."
Then he clicks his heels and salutes the man whose final sacrifice made the rest of his life possible. .
I leave you with these words alone. .
EARN IT!
Until next time my loves
B
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It Only Hurts When I Breathe. . .
Some days you wake up and just know that you should have stayed hidden under the covers away from the world. I expected today to be rough, but never like this. Last night really should have been an indicator but silly me didn't really think anything of the knot of dread in my guts.
I woke up this morning to find that not just one but TWO of my fellow Marine S/O's lost their Marines in Afghanistan. Being affiliated with the military, you are taught that things happen at a moments notice. Your husbands and boyfriends and fiances can go to work and be shipped away all without the word goodbye. You grow used to the knowledge that it can happen but you never think it will.
As wives and fiances and girlfriends we learn to lean on each other and work as a team. What hurts one of us, hurts all of us. We worry together, we cry together, we hurt together and we heal together. We hold hands as they leave and take turns taking pictures when they come home. . most of all we are there to stand side by side in support of our fellow "sisters" when they don't.
Someone once told me that the military was like its own little society and that it was amazing because no matter where you went, your family was right next door.
Today as I stood in Wal Mart in the middle of the card isle attempting to pick out a condolence card I cried. All I could think is how I was standing here picking out this card to send to a woman that words can't heal. These men were young and had wives and fiances and children and lives to look forward too and now what. .
Their families are broken and in pain. I know with all I have that these amazing young men gave their lives fighting for something they believed in and that their lives DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE but why them? Why take them away when they had so much living left to do? Are you kidding me?!
After being slapped in face with this first thing this morning, I watched as our fellow wives and girlfriends and fiances rallied around these beautiful and broken families as they have begin to wade through the pain to begin mourning their fallen heroes.
Heroes is what they are. They fell fighting for a country they loved and for people they believed deserved the right to choose how they lived their lives. So many lives were touched and saved and treasured because of these two fallen Marines. They left behind mothers and fathers, a wife, a fiance, and a slew of broken hearted friends and family.
So, we band together to honor our fallen, celebrate their lives, and put the pieces back together to keep on living.
Never ever forget this. Every single choice you make and path you walk was given to you because a selfless service member laid down their lives to protect it.
Some people live their entire lives wondering if they ever made a difference, Marines don't have that problem.
Rest in peace LCpl Cody Roberts and LCpl Joshua Twigg. You may no longer walk this earth but the knowledge of your selfless sacrifice will never be forgotten.
You left this world far too soon and far away from home. . your mark will stay on the world and every life you touched. . .So we stand up together to support the ones left behind. .we move forward as best we can but we always no. . no matter what, we are never alone.
So I offer this as my ending thought.. . The ones we love are never too far away.. .
Semper Fidelis my loves. . now go hug your children and thank a veteran.. . .you never know just how short life is until one is taken away.
His uniform is different,
The best you've ever seen.
The Germans call him Devil Dog,
His real name is Marine.
He was born on Parris Island,
The place where God forgot.
The sand is 18 inches deep,
The sun is blazing hot.
And everyday he'll wake up,
Before the rising sun.
He'll run a hundred miles or more,
Before the day is done.
He's deadly with a rifle,
A bayonet made of steel.
He's took the Devils calling card,
He's mastered how to kill.
And when he gets to heaven,
St. Peter he will tell.
One more Marine reporting Sir,
I've served my time in hell.
So listen all you young girls,
To what I have to say.
Go out and find a young marine,
To love you everyday.
He'll hug you and he'll kiss you,
And treat you like a queen.
There is no better fighting man,
Than a UNITED STATES MARINE!
Thank you LCpl Twigg and LCpl Roberts for giving their lives to protect mine giving me the amazing opportunity to kiss my kids every night before bed and make my own choices.
Chrissy you are every inch a lady. You have borne every second with grace.
To their families. My heart hurts for every single one of you and we are praying hard for grace and understanding and peace during this horrible time
I woke up this morning to find that not just one but TWO of my fellow Marine S/O's lost their Marines in Afghanistan. Being affiliated with the military, you are taught that things happen at a moments notice. Your husbands and boyfriends and fiances can go to work and be shipped away all without the word goodbye. You grow used to the knowledge that it can happen but you never think it will.
As wives and fiances and girlfriends we learn to lean on each other and work as a team. What hurts one of us, hurts all of us. We worry together, we cry together, we hurt together and we heal together. We hold hands as they leave and take turns taking pictures when they come home. . most of all we are there to stand side by side in support of our fellow "sisters" when they don't.
Someone once told me that the military was like its own little society and that it was amazing because no matter where you went, your family was right next door.
Today as I stood in Wal Mart in the middle of the card isle attempting to pick out a condolence card I cried. All I could think is how I was standing here picking out this card to send to a woman that words can't heal. These men were young and had wives and fiances and children and lives to look forward too and now what. .
Their families are broken and in pain. I know with all I have that these amazing young men gave their lives fighting for something they believed in and that their lives DID MAKE A DIFFERENCE but why them? Why take them away when they had so much living left to do? Are you kidding me?!
After being slapped in face with this first thing this morning, I watched as our fellow wives and girlfriends and fiances rallied around these beautiful and broken families as they have begin to wade through the pain to begin mourning their fallen heroes.
Heroes is what they are. They fell fighting for a country they loved and for people they believed deserved the right to choose how they lived their lives. So many lives were touched and saved and treasured because of these two fallen Marines. They left behind mothers and fathers, a wife, a fiance, and a slew of broken hearted friends and family.
So, we band together to honor our fallen, celebrate their lives, and put the pieces back together to keep on living.
Never ever forget this. Every single choice you make and path you walk was given to you because a selfless service member laid down their lives to protect it.
Some people live their entire lives wondering if they ever made a difference, Marines don't have that problem.
Rest in peace LCpl Cody Roberts and LCpl Joshua Twigg. You may no longer walk this earth but the knowledge of your selfless sacrifice will never be forgotten.
You left this world far too soon and far away from home. . your mark will stay on the world and every life you touched. . .So we stand up together to support the ones left behind. .we move forward as best we can but we always no. . no matter what, we are never alone.
So I offer this as my ending thought.. . The ones we love are never too far away.. .
Semper Fidelis my loves. . now go hug your children and thank a veteran.. . .you never know just how short life is until one is taken away.
His uniform is different,
The best you've ever seen.
The Germans call him Devil Dog,
His real name is Marine.
He was born on Parris Island,
The place where God forgot.
The sand is 18 inches deep,
The sun is blazing hot.
And everyday he'll wake up,
Before the rising sun.
He'll run a hundred miles or more,
Before the day is done.
He's deadly with a rifle,
A bayonet made of steel.
He's took the Devils calling card,
He's mastered how to kill.
And when he gets to heaven,
St. Peter he will tell.
One more Marine reporting Sir,
I've served my time in hell.
So listen all you young girls,
To what I have to say.
Go out and find a young marine,
To love you everyday.
He'll hug you and he'll kiss you,
And treat you like a queen.
There is no better fighting man,
Than a UNITED STATES MARINE!
Thank you LCpl Twigg and LCpl Roberts for giving their lives to protect mine giving me the amazing opportunity to kiss my kids every night before bed and make my own choices.
Chrissy you are every inch a lady. You have borne every second with grace.
To their families. My heart hurts for every single one of you and we are praying hard for grace and understanding and peace during this horrible time
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes? -- A Talk with my Dad
A couple of weeks ago I made mixed CD's for both of my sisters and my dad. I think we all needed it. For me it was the reminder to them that I thought of them and loved them even if distance prevented me from hugging them like I wanted.
On dad's mixed CD. . which I titled Daddy Mix. .I added a song that always had a place in our house. Sung by the very powerful and very great George Jones. From the time we could walk and talk, he surrounded us with music. Another very great love he gave my sisters and I. I remember mixed tapes that were carted off by my sisters and I too. This song was contained on one such tape.
So during our conversation afterward, my daddy said to me. . "I love my CD, it reminds me of the ones I used to make for your girls. You thought of everything. I love Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes. It made me think of Rick."
I am not going to lie. It was exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear. I got off the phone with my dad, crawled into my husbands lap, and cried like a baby. Just another way Uncle Rick has been keeping his promise to me. .and to all of us really. He always said he would never be to far away and every time I needed him he was. So, let me give to you the words I had inadvertently given to myself.
Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes
George Jones
You know this old world is full of singers
But just a few are chosen
To tear your heart out when they sing
Imagine life without them
All your, radio heros
Like the outlaw that walks through Jesse's dream
No, there will never be another
Red-headed stranger
A Man in Black and Folsom Prison Blues
The Okie from Muskogee
Or Hello Darling
Lord I wonder, who's gonna fill their shoes
(Chorus:)
Who's gonna fill their shoes
Who's gonna stand that tall
Who's gonna play the Opry
And the Wabash Cannonball
Who's gonna give their heart and soul
To get to me and you
Lord I wonder, who's gonna fill their shoes
God bless the boys from Memphis
Blue Suede Shoes and Elvis
Much too soon he left this world in tears
They tore up the Fifties
Old Jerry Lee and Charlie
And old Go Cat Go still echoes through the years
You know the heart of country music
Still beats in Luke the Drifer
You can tell when hew sings I Saw the Light
Old Marty, Hank and Lefty
Why I can feel them right here with me
On this Silver Eagle rolling through the night
It just makes me realize that I miss him. The pain has gotten easier to live with, the breathing part so much better. . The missing him never gets better. I miss the comfort of knowing he was always only an hour or so away. I miss the birthday calls that I still wake up every year for, the odd boxes of Twinkies I would get as Christmas presents, the unholy punches I would get in the arm, and the constant state of laughter. Most of all I just miss him.
I know without a doubt though, my Uncle is never to far away just like he always said he would me. Thank you my angel! Thank you daddy!
On dad's mixed CD. . which I titled Daddy Mix. .I added a song that always had a place in our house. Sung by the very powerful and very great George Jones. From the time we could walk and talk, he surrounded us with music. Another very great love he gave my sisters and I. I remember mixed tapes that were carted off by my sisters and I too. This song was contained on one such tape.
So during our conversation afterward, my daddy said to me. . "I love my CD, it reminds me of the ones I used to make for your girls. You thought of everything. I love Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes. It made me think of Rick."
I am not going to lie. It was exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear. I got off the phone with my dad, crawled into my husbands lap, and cried like a baby. Just another way Uncle Rick has been keeping his promise to me. .and to all of us really. He always said he would never be to far away and every time I needed him he was. So, let me give to you the words I had inadvertently given to myself.
Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes
George Jones
You know this old world is full of singers
But just a few are chosen
To tear your heart out when they sing
Imagine life without them
All your, radio heros
Like the outlaw that walks through Jesse's dream
No, there will never be another
Red-headed stranger
A Man in Black and Folsom Prison Blues
The Okie from Muskogee
Or Hello Darling
Lord I wonder, who's gonna fill their shoes
(Chorus:)
Who's gonna fill their shoes
Who's gonna stand that tall
Who's gonna play the Opry
And the Wabash Cannonball
Who's gonna give their heart and soul
To get to me and you
Lord I wonder, who's gonna fill their shoes
God bless the boys from Memphis
Blue Suede Shoes and Elvis
Much too soon he left this world in tears
They tore up the Fifties
Old Jerry Lee and Charlie
And old Go Cat Go still echoes through the years
You know the heart of country music
Still beats in Luke the Drifer
You can tell when hew sings I Saw the Light
Old Marty, Hank and Lefty
Why I can feel them right here with me
On this Silver Eagle rolling through the night
It just makes me realize that I miss him. The pain has gotten easier to live with, the breathing part so much better. . The missing him never gets better. I miss the comfort of knowing he was always only an hour or so away. I miss the birthday calls that I still wake up every year for, the odd boxes of Twinkies I would get as Christmas presents, the unholy punches I would get in the arm, and the constant state of laughter. Most of all I just miss him.
I know without a doubt though, my Uncle is never to far away just like he always said he would me. Thank you my angel! Thank you daddy!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Walk a Mile in their Shoes. . .A Day in MY Life
This week, an acquaintance of mine said to me.
"Well, you are at home all day, how hard can that be? Don't you get childcare too?"
Most of you are probably thinking. . how rude! I know I did too. I had to fight to suppress the urge to extend my arm and smack someone upside the head. I just looked at them and smiled.
"Let me tell you a little bit about my day ma'am. Maybe you will understand."
So, my lovely readers and followers. Let me take you through a day in MY life. First off, let me take a step back and take a deep breath. You are going to need it.
My day starts bright and early. Some days I sleep until 0400 (4:00am) and on the rare lucky day, I get to sleep until 0500 or 0530 (5:00am or 5:30am) depending on when Jon has to be at work. Well, what is the purpose of that you ask? Let me tell you. Because of the delay in treatment for the TBI, his brain healed lacking all of the knowledge and abilities that the injury directly affected.
Some sounds he hears, some he doesn't, others he can't even react to. The alarm has become one of those things. We have tried phone and different alarms, none of them seem to work. Therefore, I wake up with the alarm, coax him out of bed and spend the following time back and forth between the kids and him making sure he gets out of the house in time. Well, you are probably wondering why do you have to follow him around. . Because of his combination of medications and our ongoing appointments to get that straightened out, he has periods where he drops back off to sleep no matter how awake he is when he gets up.
So from there I go back upstairs, re-settle the boys, then climb back into bed after he leaves. Some days I doze back off for another half an hour and others I am to far awake to do even close my eyes. But I almost always crawl back into bed to enjoy the silence that falls across my home.
The boys are up and raring to go by 0930 (9:30am). So I get them up and changed and settled with some juice watching their cartoons while I make their breakfast. After breakfast we get dressed for the day. Some days, the days with appointments, they go to daycare. Through a very generous program, a grant was given to my family so that my children could go to daycare. Allowing them to learn and grow and interact with kids their age instead of sitting in appointment after appointment trying to figure out how to help daddy. What a relief. So yes, I do have childcare, given to me by the kindness of strangers who took pity on a frazzled mother of two trying hard to keep her family grounded.
So depending on what day it is and what is happening, I either take the boys to daycare or get them settled with activities while mommy tries to get some things done and put together for daddy. Well, at this point you are probably asking what could I possibly have to do for my husband and get in order for him. . .Well, let me tell you.
Currently my life is a long line of lists, file folders, medical reports, injury information, injury treatments, doctor requests, referrals, sticky notes, and note cards plastered to every surface of my house.
After getting my lists of TO-DO stuff ready for the day I get dressed. If the boys are with me, it is while they eat lunch. If not, then it is while Jon is getting changed to head to whatever appointment we may have. Sounds like fun huh. By this time I have already been awake and moving 7 or so hours. You would think I would be tired, well guess what. . I AM! However, I can't stop moving. There is to much left to be done.
After said appointments, we pick up the boys, come home, change them, get them down for naps, and then stop to eat. My first meal of the day.
After nap time comes dinner. How do I do it. . Careful planning my people, very careful planning. I sit down every two weeks and meticulously plan every meal, snack, beverage, and expenditure. I know where every penny in my home goes and to what it is used for. It is a necessity for us, not because we hurt for money, but because every single penny is used. Gas, food, mailing expenses, copiers, car repairs, and the few and far between prescriptions that DoD pharmacies do not carry.
My night winds down around 2130 (9:30pm) at which time we bathe the boys and put them to bed. When the boys are down, Jon and I bring all of our organizational materials to the bed and pow wow. My planner, the dry erase calendar, his PDA, our sticky notes, and our pens. For the next half hour we map out our next days and week.
By then we are nearing 2300 (11:00pm) so I pile myself into the shower, take my medicine then plop onto the bed with a book, word searches, or logic puzzles and wait for Jon to be finished. After his shower he takes his meds and crawl into bed.
Within minutes, quite literally, he is asleep. I spend the next hour or two or three making sure the three of them are well and truly asleep without incident. What are their incidents you are thinking right?
For Caleb, incidents come in the form of nightmares and night terrors. Night terrors are extreme states of sleep and combative motions. Caleb has been known to scream until he turns blue in the face, cry relentlessly, claw at anyone other than myself who tries to touch him, and often walks or falls and hurts himself. This prevents us from putting he and his brother in the same room for now. It also keeps us from putting extra blankets or dressers or pictures in his room as well. We have had to put a gate into his door frame so he isn't able to wander around during these episodes or bring harm to himself.
Andrew is 14 months old and is cutting around 8 or 9 teeth at present so this comes in the form of 2am crying fits where he is inconsolable. I usually pick him up and rock and sing with him for a few minutes before giving him some tylenol and putting him back to bed.
Jons night ailments used to be the worst. His came in the form of pacing or talking or sometimes both at once. He also have periods of combative sleep as well. In addition to those, he would be easily spooked by alarms or loud noises or storms. I have several times talked him out from under the bed or out of the closet. . once it was from between the tub and toilet where he had hunkered down when a car backfired.
Sounds like fun huh?! So there you have it. .by the time all of this is said and done it is around two in the morning and I am up a mere two hours later to start the next day.
So, that is a day in MY life. In closing I leave you images of my dinner from last night.
My children sat on the other day of the table and ate while my husband slept peacefully in his chair after finishing his meal. I was awake until 1:30 this morning and was up for the day around 9.
So, there you have it. A day in MY life. Is it hard? Oh yes. Am I tired? Unbelieveably so. Would I change a thing? Never in a million years. It may not be perfect, but it is all mine and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Well, you are at home all day, how hard can that be? Don't you get childcare too?"
Most of you are probably thinking. . how rude! I know I did too. I had to fight to suppress the urge to extend my arm and smack someone upside the head. I just looked at them and smiled.
"Let me tell you a little bit about my day ma'am. Maybe you will understand."
So, my lovely readers and followers. Let me take you through a day in MY life. First off, let me take a step back and take a deep breath. You are going to need it.
My day starts bright and early. Some days I sleep until 0400 (4:00am) and on the rare lucky day, I get to sleep until 0500 or 0530 (5:00am or 5:30am) depending on when Jon has to be at work. Well, what is the purpose of that you ask? Let me tell you. Because of the delay in treatment for the TBI, his brain healed lacking all of the knowledge and abilities that the injury directly affected.
Some sounds he hears, some he doesn't, others he can't even react to. The alarm has become one of those things. We have tried phone and different alarms, none of them seem to work. Therefore, I wake up with the alarm, coax him out of bed and spend the following time back and forth between the kids and him making sure he gets out of the house in time. Well, you are probably wondering why do you have to follow him around. . Because of his combination of medications and our ongoing appointments to get that straightened out, he has periods where he drops back off to sleep no matter how awake he is when he gets up.
So from there I go back upstairs, re-settle the boys, then climb back into bed after he leaves. Some days I doze back off for another half an hour and others I am to far awake to do even close my eyes. But I almost always crawl back into bed to enjoy the silence that falls across my home.
The boys are up and raring to go by 0930 (9:30am). So I get them up and changed and settled with some juice watching their cartoons while I make their breakfast. After breakfast we get dressed for the day. Some days, the days with appointments, they go to daycare. Through a very generous program, a grant was given to my family so that my children could go to daycare. Allowing them to learn and grow and interact with kids their age instead of sitting in appointment after appointment trying to figure out how to help daddy. What a relief. So yes, I do have childcare, given to me by the kindness of strangers who took pity on a frazzled mother of two trying hard to keep her family grounded.
So depending on what day it is and what is happening, I either take the boys to daycare or get them settled with activities while mommy tries to get some things done and put together for daddy. Well, at this point you are probably asking what could I possibly have to do for my husband and get in order for him. . .Well, let me tell you.
Currently my life is a long line of lists, file folders, medical reports, injury information, injury treatments, doctor requests, referrals, sticky notes, and note cards plastered to every surface of my house.
After getting my lists of TO-DO stuff ready for the day I get dressed. If the boys are with me, it is while they eat lunch. If not, then it is while Jon is getting changed to head to whatever appointment we may have. Sounds like fun huh. By this time I have already been awake and moving 7 or so hours. You would think I would be tired, well guess what. . I AM! However, I can't stop moving. There is to much left to be done.
After said appointments, we pick up the boys, come home, change them, get them down for naps, and then stop to eat. My first meal of the day.
After nap time comes dinner. How do I do it. . Careful planning my people, very careful planning. I sit down every two weeks and meticulously plan every meal, snack, beverage, and expenditure. I know where every penny in my home goes and to what it is used for. It is a necessity for us, not because we hurt for money, but because every single penny is used. Gas, food, mailing expenses, copiers, car repairs, and the few and far between prescriptions that DoD pharmacies do not carry.
My night winds down around 2130 (9:30pm) at which time we bathe the boys and put them to bed. When the boys are down, Jon and I bring all of our organizational materials to the bed and pow wow. My planner, the dry erase calendar, his PDA, our sticky notes, and our pens. For the next half hour we map out our next days and week.
By then we are nearing 2300 (11:00pm) so I pile myself into the shower, take my medicine then plop onto the bed with a book, word searches, or logic puzzles and wait for Jon to be finished. After his shower he takes his meds and crawl into bed.
Within minutes, quite literally, he is asleep. I spend the next hour or two or three making sure the three of them are well and truly asleep without incident. What are their incidents you are thinking right?
For Caleb, incidents come in the form of nightmares and night terrors. Night terrors are extreme states of sleep and combative motions. Caleb has been known to scream until he turns blue in the face, cry relentlessly, claw at anyone other than myself who tries to touch him, and often walks or falls and hurts himself. This prevents us from putting he and his brother in the same room for now. It also keeps us from putting extra blankets or dressers or pictures in his room as well. We have had to put a gate into his door frame so he isn't able to wander around during these episodes or bring harm to himself.
Andrew is 14 months old and is cutting around 8 or 9 teeth at present so this comes in the form of 2am crying fits where he is inconsolable. I usually pick him up and rock and sing with him for a few minutes before giving him some tylenol and putting him back to bed.
Jons night ailments used to be the worst. His came in the form of pacing or talking or sometimes both at once. He also have periods of combative sleep as well. In addition to those, he would be easily spooked by alarms or loud noises or storms. I have several times talked him out from under the bed or out of the closet. . once it was from between the tub and toilet where he had hunkered down when a car backfired.
Sounds like fun huh?! So there you have it. .by the time all of this is said and done it is around two in the morning and I am up a mere two hours later to start the next day.
So, that is a day in MY life. In closing I leave you images of my dinner from last night.
My children sat on the other day of the table and ate while my husband slept peacefully in his chair after finishing his meal. I was awake until 1:30 this morning and was up for the day around 9.
So, there you have it. A day in MY life. Is it hard? Oh yes. Am I tired? Unbelieveably so. Would I change a thing? Never in a million years. It may not be perfect, but it is all mine and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Embracing Faith - Letting Go, and Letting God
I can readily admit this: The past few weeks have boarded on the line of pure chaos. While getting caught up in all that I forgot the one person and one area of my life.
With all of the goings on, getting no sleep, stressing about bills and family, taking care of 4 people, and dealing with unknown diagnoses has stretch my will and and strength to its' breaking point. I feel like if I am pulled any thinner I will break.
The past few weeks I have struggled with my faith, understanding, strength. I have doubted myself, my capabilities, my strength, and my will. I have lost sight of them completely.
These past couple of days especially have tested me. I am tired, worn out, stressed out, run down, and taking care of two sick kids and Jon. Last night I ended up sobbing like a child, shutting down, and ended up having an all out meltdown.
I went to put my laundry away and came across a little plaque given to me by dad. On it were the words "IF ALL ELSE FAILS, CALL DAD." That is precisely what I did. Gave me things to think about and I want to share them. They are Matthew 11:28 and Psalms 46.
Psalm 46
- God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
- Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
- Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
- There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
- God is in the amidst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
- The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
- The aLord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
- Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
- He maketh awars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
- 10 Be astill, and bknow that I am God: I will be cexalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
- The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
After reading those I realized something. Whenever my faith is failing me or I am losing hope, HE is there. Through every doubt I have and every trial when I think he isn't listening, those are the times he says. .look around you and be thankful. You may not see me all of the time, but I am there.
So I leave you with this saying, and this amazing song that I love.
"Let go and let God"
and
"I Pray" by Lonestar
I can't quote the Bible
I skipped Sunday school
And I can't count the times I fell and broken the golden rule
So I don't know if He listens
Sometimes I wonder if He cares
Maybe I'm just wishin'
'Cause I can't even prove he's there
But I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
Now I confess I don't bow my head as often as I should
Mostly just when times are bad, rarely when they're good
And I don't hold with too much preachin'
But I was raised up to believe
That a man can't ever stand as tall
As when he gets down on his knees
So I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
So I pray
For a world that's gone half crazy
I pray
For every woman child and man
To find the strength to rise above
To teach each other how to love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
I pray
Until next time my loveys
B
With all of the goings on, getting no sleep, stressing about bills and family, taking care of 4 people, and dealing with unknown diagnoses has stretch my will and and strength to its' breaking point. I feel like if I am pulled any thinner I will break.
The past few weeks I have struggled with my faith, understanding, strength. I have doubted myself, my capabilities, my strength, and my will. I have lost sight of them completely.
These past couple of days especially have tested me. I am tired, worn out, stressed out, run down, and taking care of two sick kids and Jon. Last night I ended up sobbing like a child, shutting down, and ended up having an all out meltdown.
I went to put my laundry away and came across a little plaque given to me by dad. On it were the words "IF ALL ELSE FAILS, CALL DAD." That is precisely what I did. Gave me things to think about and I want to share them. They are Matthew 11:28 and Psalms 46.
Psalm 46
- God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
- Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
- Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
- There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
- God is in the amidst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
- The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
- The aLord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
- Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
- He maketh awars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
- 10 Be astill, and bknow that I am God: I will be cexalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
- The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
After reading those I realized something. Whenever my faith is failing me or I am losing hope, HE is there. Through every doubt I have and every trial when I think he isn't listening, those are the times he says. .look around you and be thankful. You may not see me all of the time, but I am there.
So I leave you with this saying, and this amazing song that I love.
"Let go and let God"
and
"I Pray" by Lonestar
I can't quote the Bible
I skipped Sunday school
And I can't count the times I fell and broken the golden rule
So I don't know if He listens
Sometimes I wonder if He cares
Maybe I'm just wishin'
'Cause I can't even prove he's there
But I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
Now I confess I don't bow my head as often as I should
Mostly just when times are bad, rarely when they're good
And I don't hold with too much preachin'
But I was raised up to believe
That a man can't ever stand as tall
As when he gets down on his knees
So I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
So I pray
For a world that's gone half crazy
I pray
For every woman child and man
To find the strength to rise above
To teach each other how to love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray
I pray
Until next time my loveys
B
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