Saturday, July 24, 2010

Embracing Faith - Letting Go, and Letting God

I can readily admit this: The past few weeks have boarded on the line of pure chaos. While getting caught up in all that I forgot the one person and one area of my life.

With all of the goings on, getting no sleep, stressing about bills and family, taking care of 4 people, and dealing with unknown diagnoses has stretch my will and and strength to its' breaking point. I feel like if I am pulled any thinner I will break.

The past few weeks I have struggled with my faith, understanding, strength. I have doubted myself, my capabilities, my strength, and my will. I have lost sight of them completely.

These past couple of days especially have tested me. I am tired, worn out, stressed out, run down, and taking care of two sick kids and Jon. Last night I ended up sobbing like a child, shutting down, and ended up having an all out meltdown.

I went to put my laundry away and came across a little plaque given to me by dad. On it were the words "IF ALL ELSE FAILS, CALL DAD." That is precisely what I did. Gave me things to think about and I want to share them. They are Matthew 11:28 and Psalms 46.

Psalm 46

- God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
- Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
- Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
- There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
- God is in the amidst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
- The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
- The aLord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
- Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
- He maketh awars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
- 10 Be astill, and bknow that I am God: I will be cexalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
- The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

Matthew 11:28

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

After reading those I realized something. Whenever my faith is failing me or I am losing hope, HE is there. Through every doubt I have and every trial when I think he isn't listening, those are the times he says. .look around you and be thankful. You may not see me all of the time, but I am there.

So I leave you with this saying, and this amazing song that I love.

"Let go and let God"


"I Pray" by Lonestar

I can't quote the Bible
I skipped Sunday school
And I can't count the times I fell and broken the golden rule
So I don't know if He listens
Sometimes I wonder if He cares
Maybe I'm just wishin'
'Cause I can't even prove he's there

But I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray

Now I confess I don't bow my head as often as I should
Mostly just when times are bad, rarely when they're good
And I don't hold with too much preachin'
But I was raised up to believe
That a man can't ever stand as tall
As when he gets down on his knees

So I pray
He'll watch over my childern
I pray
Just to be a better man
To find the strength to rise above
To be there for the ones I love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day
I pray

So I pray
For a world that's gone half crazy
I pray
For every woman child and man
To find the strength to rise above
To teach each other how to love
To forgive and be forgiven some sweet day

I pray
I pray

Until next time my loveys


Friday, July 23, 2010

Living In Fast Forward

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I can sum up my past few days with one.

Jon saw the neurologist and an orthopedics specialist last week. The neurologist ended up giving him a headache preventative called propranolol. The rest of that appointment I am shaky on because they had me leave the room and he can't remember what she told him after I left which was what I was hoping to prevent while being in there.

Next was his ortho appointment for his back, knees, and feet. They took x-rays of all three and his bones look great. They are sound and show no signs of any injury. So, that doctor is pretty sure he has an arthritis problem in those particular joints and just a mass of inflammation in the muscles and tendons. For the inflammation they gave him Mobic and for the pain they gave him Tramadol.

He starts physical therapy at WRAMC this upcoming Monday. He has to be there by 0830. Next week he also has a sleep study being done up at AAFB.

The Zoloft and Prazosin seem to be really working although I think one of his new medications are counteracting the Prazosin. He has been extremely combative in his sleep this past week. Two days ago

We have also started using a color system in the house to identify and voice emotions. For example, if I get upset, angry, irritated, etc. . .all I would have to say is "I am going to red, please go some where for a few minutes and let me get a hold on it" or say if I notice him getting agitated or a little too forceful with the boys I can say "Orange, go take a break and calm down". .

Jon responds to the color system really well. We had a safe word there for a bit but he would usually just stare at me like I was stupid when I would use it to get him to back off or to take time to myself.

Thanks to the NMC nurse, his caseworker, and the CDC, I have actually been getting some help too! Someone donated a grant to us so now the boys are in daycare three days a week plus all appointments we may have. Caleb is thriving in that environment. They lady they stay with runs the daycare out of her home and has two kids their age. They both love it.

Let's see. I took Andrew to the doctor day before yesterday for a little infection in both ears and a HUGE blood blister on his gums. I had never seen something like that before so I just wanted to make sure. They say it should burst on its own and that molar should poke through on its own. He is 28 pounds and 31 inches tall.

I feel like I am floundering here, like I am failing miserably at keeping my family grounded. Between making sure the three of them have everything they need and keeping all of us on track and schedule, I rarely have time to remember that I am here.

I keep hoping that things will level out and calm down but it seems for now that I am stuck in this state of living in fast forward. I rarely have time to breathe let alone eat or sleep. I am stuck between complete exhaustion and frenzied activity.

The bright spot in this mess of crazy has always been and will always be my boys. It is so hard to have a bad day when every time they smile at me my heart melts. Let me share one such moment,a moment that reminds me that no matter how crazy things get or how tired or sick or disheartened I may become. . I always have two smiling faces and two sets of arms that make it all better. I know that no matter what happens in my life or has happened in the past. . I must have done something right to be blessed with these two amazing little people.

Through every harrowing, nerve wracking, patience trying step of this crazy journey, I have always had the amazing support of some of the best women on this planet. They have been my strong hold, my cheerleaders, my listening ear, my open arms, they have always been my family. I would be totally wacko if not for these amazing people.

As a parting thought, I leave you with this. A long time ago my dad brought me a poem home to hang on my wall and I have leaned on it a lot these past days. It is called Don't Quit. So when you get down and you don't know if you have the strength to keep going one second longer, I give to you the same words I was given. .

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!

Always remember this. When you get down and things get hard and rough in your life, there is always someone out there who has it so much worse.

Until next time my lovies.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Two Weeks of Chaos. ..The Misadventures of Boys

Hello my lovelies. .miss me?

Well, the chaos that has taken over my days as of late has been going on for a little more than two weeks. So, let's start on June 17th and let me catch you up.

For the past couple of weeks, we have been waiting on TBI results to come in from Richmond. His doctors are fairly certain he has at least a mild traumatic brain injury, it would explain a lot of things.

While waiting on this, we are getting a lot of other things pegged and straightened out. Jon saw a ophthalmologist last week and has been giving glasses, they are sure that his eyes are playing a major role is his headaches. I have to agree. Been there, done that. Coming up he has a consult with an orthopedist to get his back and knees taken care of.

After those two appointments, he will see a neurologist and have a sleep study done. Those appointments are coming up this month. We will be traveling to Bethesda, Andrews Air Force Base, Walter Reed, and Dewitt for those.

He continues to see someone for his PTSD and is doing better this week than last. His medications are doing there job and we make more progress everyday it seems. We are at a impasse for now and continue to move one step forward and two steps back. He continues to fight this every day and refuses to let it consume him anymore. I have rarely ever been more proud.

Last week our little family started the FOCUS class and I am so excited! It has been great so far. What it does is help our family build the skills we need to get through this. This is a class that we all take. It is focusing on our problem solving skills, communication, and overall well-being of our family. We've already been to two classes. They are helping me teach Caleb to use colors to tell us how he is feeling and I am so excited about that. Caleb has always been great at letting mommy know what he wants or needs and if he doesn't feel good but he struggles expressing that to others.

Another exciting thing that has come our way is child care. The EECE and EFMP programs are providing daycare for the boys three times a week plus appointment dates. They have done spectacular with it so far. They love it and barely notice we are gone. I think I am the one who has had the most trouble with them being gone.

The boys continue to thrive and grow. Every day with them is an adventure and I thank God for them every single night. I absolutely adore my children and fall a little more in love with them every day. Now, let us get get into the other stuff. The picture stuff I have been able to document.

On June 22nd, we traveled to Bethesda with Caleb to see a pediatric cardiology specialist. The heart murmur he was born with was still easily detected so they wanted to have him evaluated. Talk about scary! He underwent a physical exam, an EKG, and a cardiac ultrasound. The doctor tells me that while it is still so easily detected, it seems to be benign. They see no need to restrict him from any activities but want him to re-evaluated in a few years because of the nature of the murmur. Fewer sights stops a mothers heart cold but I do believe seeing him hooked up to that machine was one of them.

The boys decided it would be fun to dismantle my kitchen while I went to the bathroom. I came out and found them like this. Cute right

Mr Andrew tried spaghetti for the first time the other night. This was the end result

Yes, you are seeing that right. While getting ready for our FOCUS class yesterday, the boys decided to go play in the dirty laundry. Them came out wearing my bra. Caleb had it tied to him and Andrew both.

As a parting thought for the day I leave you with this.

Everything has a purpose and a reason. We may not understand it at the time but in time it will come. I don't know about you guys but it seems like whenever my faith is running low or I am struggling a little bit harder than usual, that those are the times God smiles at me and lets me know. . I am here. . you just don't always see me.

Until next time