There aren't any words to accurately describe the last days and I don't really want to try. It would be a shame.
For the past three days now, I have been awoken to the sound of quiet sobs. Not mine. His. Last night may have just been the worse in almost a year.
After 6 hours in the emergency room, we came home, showered, and fell into bed. I did my sleep drill thing and was just drifting off when the bed started to shake. I pulled out my ear plugs and looked over at Jon.
He was completely curled in on himself shaking with the force of his silent tears. Not thinking I reached over to smooth out his brow and try to wake up. Wrong thing to do. I should have known but in all the mess, I wasn't paying attention.
I reached over and as soon as my hand reached him his arm shot out, caught my wrist and his elbow flung into my diaphragm. Whoa! I know right. I disengaged myself and crawled out of bed to wait for it to reach the point I can reach him.
I sat in the floor beside our bed for over an hour while he tossed, turned, swatted, and cried in his sleep. All he would say is. . .
"I'm sorry, so sorry. I let you down."
I buried my face in my hands and cried. I hate seeing him so broken. For the next 45 minutes I watched as one of the strongest people I know struggled with the demons that torment him. Finally, just after 5, his crying stopped. He rolled over to reach for me and when I wasn't there he opened his eyes.
I swear, as of late it feels like all I can do is make things worse. Encouragement and support come out backwards, I stutter like a fool, and most everything I try to write looks like it was written by a crack dealer. I hate this.
I despise being so out of control of my life and there is nothing more I can do. My house is peppered with post it notes and index cards . all detailing the routines and things in my house. I hate being so helpless and useless because all my body can muster right now is an insane rash, high blood pressure, and kidney and liver issues.
Why am I so deficient? This isn't me. . I should be stronger and more solid. . for my husband, and my sons. If someone will just tell me what to do I will do it. I would do most anything for all of them and yet here I sit shaking like a chihuahua scared to death to close my eyes because he might wake up again and need me.
How do I stop failing?